You can tell who among the staff have grace under pressure, and who cave in when stressed out. Below are some of the facepalm-worthy quotes I collected — from clueless to hilarious — over years of working as a corporate slave.

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BOSS: What happened to the invitation letter we sent to the editor?
ACCOUNT EXECUTIVE (AE): “Sir, we sent the letter already…but she regretted it.”
(Next time samahan mo ng teddy bear ang invitation para di sya magsisi.)

***

CALLER: Hello, may I speak with Chorva-chorva please…
NEW EMPLOYEE (projecting a modulated voice, with her best American accent): I’m sorry, but she’s out of lunch…
(Chorva needs a raise badly!)

***

I was supposed to do a face-to-face interview with Robin Padilla, but we couldn’t get an available schedule as the actor’s calendar is fully booked. So, I suggested that I do a questionnaire instead that we can send to him via his manager. My Senior AE put this on the “requirement field” of her JO (job order) for the editorial department: “FAQ for Robin Padilla”
(First question: naging kayo ba ni Ate Shawie?)

***

A now defunct small ad agency required its new employees to go through an IQ test. One particular AE, after taking the test, went back to her table with a big smile on her face.

New AE: Yes, I passed the exam!

Senior AE: Wow, congrats! What did you get?

New AE (with pride): 75!

(Uhm, hija, the pasang-awa grade of 75 does not apply in IQ tests)

***

AE: Based on our last meeting, you asked us to revise the visual for the front page of the newsletter…(shows the revision)

CLIENT (irked): You still don’t get it. Make it more interesting. People should get attracted starting with the cover. Use animation!

(That’s what too much Harry Potter can do for you.)

***

I was asked to write an official statement for a client who is undergoing crisis, so I asked our strategist for his thoughts on how to approach the matter.

ME: What’s the key message and what is client’s official position on the matter?

STRATEGIST: There is nothing to strategize.

(When your strategist tells you that there is nothing to strategize, be afraid…be very afraid…)

***

A client asked for a meeting on short notice, so we told the AE handling the account (who was then out of the office). Her response was golden.

AE: Ah, I can’t, kasi something might come up.

(May pagka-fortune teller si ateng.)

I’m sure you guys have your own set of “funny” colleagues. Share naman!