Lamentations of a four-year old on death

“Ninang, bakit sinunog si Zak?”

I was stunned with the question, coming from a four-year old who had just lost his newborn baby brother. Kai had wished for a baby brother.  And now that his wish got granted, it was immediately taken away from him.

I screamed inside my head, “Anak ng iskandalo naman, sino nagsabi sa bata na sinunog ang kapatid nya?!”

For the first time in my life, I struggled for an answer to a kid’s question. I have always been good and patient when it comes to answering kids’  questions. This particular question jolted me. I couldn’t bear to look at Kai as he stared at his baby brother Zak’s tiny urn. I can’t imagine what could be going on inside his innocent mind. His next question crushed me.

“Ninang, ginanun nila yung ulo ni Zak?” he said, making a pushing gesture with his two hands to demonstrate how a human head could possibly be forced to fit inside the tiny opening of the urn.

How do you answer a question like that? How can I possibly take away the fear and confusion that this situation must be giving this little boy? This thought tormented him and I couldn’t even help him…

It has been more than a year since then. Kai is now a healthy five-year old whose laughter can electrify the gloomiest room. He would pause and seem to ponder once in a while whenever his baby brother’s name would come up in a conversation. But his innocence is helping him somehow. That’s what I would like to think. Right now, we are trying our best to make life beautiful for him, no matter how things are difficult for us adults.

I thank God for taking care of him for us who failed. I thank God for keeping His children safe from all the pain in this world.

One thought on “Lamentations of a four-year old on death

  1. I know birthdays are coming up…and needless to say, two of the bestest best gifts are the two boys that I gave birth to — neither one is more precious than the other and I feel pain magnified to the nth level when they suffer. I hated seeing Zak suffer day in and day out when he was here….and I hated inflicting punishment on Malakai for being the bad boy I refuse to think he could be. Nanay ako. I’d go through the hardship of bearing them and letting them out a hundred times over if I can spare them the harshness of whats out there.
    I dread thinking of how a girl can eventually break Kai’s heart and I pray for the souls of those who will have the guts to put him down while I’m still here.
    It tears my heart to ground him…but he’s the only one i have…I cant make a mistake raising him…


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